25) Tom Who Had Good Table Manners

Tom who had good table manners went on a date with a girl named Kate. Kate wore a cream coloured jumper and had her hair tied up in a bun. Tom assumed that based on Kate’s appearance she, like himself, was very good at eating at classy restaurants. Tom was incorrect.

Kate had never been on a date at any other place than Pizza Hut, who once had the slogan ‘We won’t mind if you put your elbows on the table’. This appeared to be the motto of Kate’s life. When they had a glass of red wine; elbows on the table. Checking out the menu; elbows on the table. Even when cutting with her knife and fork, when it would be advantageous to have her arms in the air, the table was occupied by her elbows.

However, Tom is completely unreasonable. No one’s perfect after all. Yet Kate seemed impressively imperfect when it came to getting solids and liquids from the table to her mouth. Before the menus had reached them Kate had spilled wine down her cream top. It was joined by the crumbs from the extra two rolls of bread she asked for and tomato ketchup slipping out of her children’s menu cheeseburger (everything on the menu had ‘salady crap’ in it).

After the main course, Tom went to the bathroom to calm down. The veins around his temples were throbbing and he was disgusted to see a strand of hair had parted from his sweeping fringe. He would apologise when he returned. Except when he returned she was picking the remnants of her kids sized burger from her teeth with the corner of the menu.

‘WHO DOES THAT?’ he yelled before he had taken his seat.

The piano which had been part of the background noise was suddenly noticeable because it had stopped. People stared. An old lady shamed the young man for a lack of table manners. Tom took his seat and apologised to Kate.

‘You know what,’ she said, pausing to belch, ‘I think I’m going to take off. Lovely to meet you and all, but you’re just a bit rude really.’

Tom wielded his fork like a trident; it took every fiber of gentlemanly conduct not to launch it at the back of her head. The waiter with a thing curling moustache came with the bill shortly after.

‘I’m afraid we’d like you to leave. Please pay the bill and go. Your kind are not welcome here.’

Tom stabbed the table with the fork and looked at the bill. Thank god all she had was a sodding kids meals. Should have taken the stupid cow to McDonalds. Tom was never quite the same again.